It’s been a w.h.i.l.e

“Twisted roads from then to now seems to be all I can think about.  Have I gained the ground I feel I lost?”  No…

“So where am I now?  In what place do I feel safe these days?”

“All people on the outside prodding and poking, asking me to fill in forms upon forms rating aspects of my life, situation and lucidity or there about’s.  Showing me Graphs and circular models of the scores my answers gave and the best course to reality”

“Lines, lines on a laptop and crumpled up paper with messy handwriting indicating all the different issues and there level of severity in ones life.  Questions of directions and consuming thoughts leading me in loops and making me feel smaller than ever…”

“There I go again, taking the worst of the worst and making it catastrophic where not needed.  Many times I feel the pull back to the dark and just accepting that my life is what it is, not needed.”

Only some of the thoughts and feelings I battled with over the first part of this year, BUT with determination, hard work and having hope.  I have “gained”.  I have time to think and do things without my inside existence screaming for help…

I have been at low dark points along the way and I’m sure you or someone you know has been there too,  unable to dream or wonder about having some sort of eternal peace within destroyed me.   In no time at all…. months of work gone.  I created strenuous situations one after another, I felt it was never going to end.

But after opening up and with the support from all the “intrusive people” I learned to have hope and set goals for myself slowly suffocating my anxious self.

It’s been a W.H.I.L.E but I will get back into it and keep going…

With Hope I Live Eternal

Stay Lucid people

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My Anxious Self…

My self deviates all the time… especially these days.  Sometimes my self isn’t “My Self ” at all and is lead by a unwanted force, undeniable in its own nature with sticky sub conscious traits..

Petty, erratic, toxic, negative, scared, insensitive, unwilling and invasive.

I’m lead down this vast winding road, me now a willing participant being dragged into a universe of uncontrollable worry and fear, it becomes a very familiar place.  I am lost extremely easily in the raw emotions that are so frightful my heart tries repeatably to jump from my chest but feels help in by tightness…  How can I handle this when my own vessel betrays me.

Often “my self” will try and deceive me, clouding my mind with negativity, I lash out mentally on the clear minds around me and create nothing but unease and tension, my emotions are the driving force behind the any situation.  A never ending cycle of isolation that must be broken…

So here begins yet again my journey to understanding my “Anxious Self”

 

 

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Imagine…?

Imagine you are on a field … and there is a football in front of you on the ground. Now just imagine you kicking that ball.

You know, really imagine it … see yourself lining up the ball and kicking it, as hard or as soft as you like its makes no difference.

done ..

Now most of you probably didn’t even close your eyes when doing that, or even take a particularly long time doing it, I know I didn’t when really trying to wrap my head around it.

Now close your eyes and do that again … But really think and try and observe what it is your eyes are actually seeing when imagining you kicking that ball, cause I don’t know about you or maybe I have a lack or imagination (which I would find hard to believe) but all I really see is just black… just the back of my eyelids blocking out any light…

So .. what am I using to see myself kick that ball?  I can 100% see myself kicking the ball, but really at the same time i’m not “seeing” it .. right, I am just physically seeing the back of my eyelids .. right?

So what is it to imagine …?

 

 

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Me? .. Now there’s a good question

Me .. now that’s a good question, actually funny enough I asked myself that a lot these days. who am I? Please do tell me cause from what I can tell everyone around me has figured that out or getting there .. while I am spending endless hours trying to fall asleep visualising .. who am I?

Me?  who am I? My heart .. that’s me, right? .. well my brain, that’s got to be where I am, right?  Am I only me when I am whole? blah blah blah…  I guess the questions are endless, well I know mine are.  But lets get real for a second .. I know me isn’t something I can put a physical pin on but I just can’t rid the thought that maybe I can and I just don’t know how. maybe a physical pin isn’t the right tool or I am not trying hard enough!

Me .. Now that is a good question, but let me ask you, who are you?

As soon as we become old enough to begin to understand the world around us and form a unique individual identity we are grouped by age and taught about life from a classroom.  we spend nearly 18 years of our lives learning from each other and then carry that on in our own unique direction forged from our past decisions, behaviours, hobbies and knowledge . . . all either formed or learned from people, books, social media, film and observations . . . you get the picture.  Now just think about some of the stuff you can remember you said this week .. anything stick in your mind that you can think “wow, no idea where that came from” .. well I don’t know about you but that’s a decent sum up of most of my social interactions.

I have no idea who I am!

Me? .. Now there’s a good question.

 

 

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